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“dodge-duck-dip-dive-and-dodge” Marriage Matters #4

Communication is crucial in marriage. Most marriage breakdowns and breakups can find some level of poor communication as a root cause.  It has been said that there are six possible messages heard in every conversation:

1. What you intended to say…
2. What you actually said…
3. What your spouse heard you say…
4. What your spouse thinks he/she heard you say…
5. What your spouse says about what you said…
6. What you think your spouse said about what you said…

I think the following quotes sums it up quite well:

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” ~Robert McCloskey

Communication isn’t easy, yet for some reason we all think that we are the clearest and most concise communicators on the planet!

For a marriage to communicate at it’s best there are some practices you need to major on, and some practices that you need to eliminate!

Do This!

1. Practice Clarity

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who is as vague as a politician during election season? They talk a lot but never seem to quite land the conversation with clarity. Choose to speak as clearly and concisely as possible. Often, a person will be vague because they are afraid that speaking truthfully will cause to much damage, when in reality a lack of clarity causes the listener to create their own interpretation of what is being said. Choose against beating around the bush hoping your spouse will catch on to what your are trying to communicate in a round about way. Trust me, they don’t get it. Communicate with clarity and brevity, and when your done ask your spouse to paraphrase back to you what they heard. This will reveal just how we misinterpret what we are being told.

2. Choose The Right Time

Believe me, there is a right time and a drastically wrong time to have an intense conversation. Most people choose the wrong time because they are in a reactionary mode and not a responsive or proactive mode. Let’s start by looking at times to avoid:

a. Late at night
b. When you are tired
c. When you are really angry
d. When you’re distracted

Important conversations need all the bandwidth that we can muster. So choose a time when you free from distractions, have emotional bandwidth, are removed from reactive anger and are not running on fumes or are trying to handle the kids, cook dinner or are engaged in something else that requires your attention. Good communication requires that you are physically, spiritually and emotionally present.

3. Listen Fully

In order to listen fully we must choose to actively listen to our spouse. That means that I need to stop thinking about my response, rebuttal or redirect while my spouse is talking. Active listening is hard but is one of the most powerful tools you have to increase the intimacy in your marriage. When our minds are contemplating what our response or justification should be, we have stopped listening and have increased the odds of misunderstanding what we are being told. When we choose to fully listen, we have just voted -for- the relationship by deciding that it is more important to understand each other than prove we are right.

4. Clarify What You Heard

This is so powerful, but few couples actually do it because they think it is simply a counseling gimmick. It doesn’t have to be so “cliché'” though. Many times a day I am asking people if I am hearing them right, and in our marriages it is even more important to ask that question. Simply intoning, “So are you saying…” after your spouse has told you something is not psycho-babble, it is choosing to make sure you are getting clarity on what you are hearing. That leads to understanding, and understanding births intimacy and a deeper knowing.

5. Continue The Process

Remember that learning and growing in communication is a life-long process. We never arrive, we are always learning! As our communication gets better we often take it for granted that we “get it” or that we always know what our spouse is trying to say. In other-words we get lazy with our communication and that eventually leads to some big misunderstandings. So keep at it! Keep asking questions. Keep clarifying what you are hearing. Keep listening with your eyes, ears and heart.

Don’t Do This!

1. Criticize

Criticism works like soul-sabotage. Often when a spouse has unmet expectations that have not been addressed, frustration goes underground and then combusts in the form of character assassinations that target the shortcomings of their spouse. When we criticize our spouses, there is a deconstruction that takes place infusing feelings of inferiority and worthlessness. Criticism rarely changes the behavior that sparked it, but it does destroy the intimate fabric you are weaving in your marriage.

2.  Attack

Attack and criticism often are tandem strikes launched out of frustration. When we get big, loud and launch an attack, there is no going back.  An attack is often postured as a defensive attitude. When we get defensive, we are no longer listening, and all of our energy is shifted towards winning the battle. Choose not to attack emotionally, verbally and of course physically. An attack can also come in the form of an onslaught of pressure from one spouse to “fix” an argument. When we push in this way when the timing is not right, we can end up doing more harm than good. Become ware of your actions, your words and your intensity, sometime we have no idea how much we live in “attack mode” and call it communication.

3. Withdraw

Withdrawal is the opposite of the attack, but it is just as deadly in a marriage. The message that is sent when a spouse completely withdraws with no explanation is one of “You don’t matter.” This often causes the non-withdrawing spouse to engage harder or in a more intense fashion and the destructive cycle builds and builds until it explodes. Stay engaged, decide on a good time to discuss your relationship and choose to eliminate isolation as a coping tool. Also ask yourself why you are withdrawing. Are you doing so as a weapon or a way to make your point, or are you truly processing something. Stay present and  stay engaged and you’ll be helping your marriage grow.

4. Defend

When we feel that we are being wrongly criticized or blamed, our internal defense attorney is “Johnny-on-the-spot” and leaps into action with  both barrels loaded. Remember that when all of our mental and emotional energy is spent justifying something or defending ourselves we are no listening, therefore communication is not happening. The best way to navigate this scenario is to  listen, acknowledge your spouses perspective (a persons perspective is their reality whether it is true or not) and seek clarification on how to best move forward. When a couple has chosen to stop defense as a first move, they are better able to hear each other and realize that their perception(s) might be or are wrong. When we fight to the death for our position we never see if a perception is wrong.

5. Deflect

Deflection is a great tool for denial. Instead of dealing with the conversation at hand, we “dodge-duck-dip-dive-and-dodge” the issue. This avoids the hard work of growing up and we deflect away the opportunity to grow in intimacy with our spouse. We deflect by minimizing a situation, “Oh it’s not that bad,” or “Come on I’m not like that.” We deflect by changing the subject multiple times during a conversation. We deflect by dancing around an issue and not addressing it in a clear way. We deflect by blame-shifting or playing the “victim card.” Remember that when a spouse deflects, the chance to truly communicate has just left the building.

So how are you doing? Take a moment and go back through the Do’s and Don’ts. Rate yourself on each area between 1 and 5.  1 being  rarely and 5 being always…then take a faith leap and have your spouse rate you…that will show you pretty quickly the reality of your perception 🙂

Monty

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6 Killer Marriage Tips (Marriage Matters #3)

I thought I’d throw a little marriage humor your way today. Here are 6 marriage tips that need some adjusting!

Killer Marriage Tips from Igniter Media on Vimeo.

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Making Your Marriage L.A.S.T (Marriage Matters #2)

It seems that the longevity of marriage is becoming a blur on the relationship highway. My wife and I celebrated 25 years this past July and we have received many “way-to-go!” comments and questions about what does it take to last. I feel like 25 years has shown me that we need to continue to be proactive in investing in each other so that we finish well.

The prophets of our culture in Hollywood have not helped much in the area of longevity. The relationships of the celebrity world are notoriously short, take for example the 10 million dollar Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries marriage that lasted a scant 72 days. What’s frustrating about this dilemma is that media has so saturated our existence  that celebrity relationships are the ones we see and hear about all the time. The message that flows to us and the next generation is that marriages are disposable, and you can always find a way out.

Here are four things for you to consider that will help your marriage L.A.S.T

Listen…

Most people are horrible listeners. We tend to listen with about 25% of our available ability because we need the other 75% to formulate our own point or response. Here’s one we’ve all heard before, “Well I’m sorry for continuing to interrupt you but I’m afraid I’ll forget what I was going to say! But really I’m listening!” No only do we not listen, but we are actually interrupting the other person from communicating. Maybe forgetting what you were going to say may be the best thing that can happen. When we choose to listen, we are giving our spouse a great grace-gift.

So the next time your spouse is talking, instead of figuring out how to tell her she is wrong, or that you have a better idea, or that she doesn’t understand, or you have just unloaded all your advice… pause…put down the remote….release your agenda…and simply listen. One of the reasons listening is a bit harder for men (although women struggle with listening as well) is because it seems that we have been wired with a “fix-it” mentality. So in some ways men think they are helping because they want to get to the fix, but very often our spouse simply wants us to listen.

I like one of Anne Lamotts’ acronyms she employs when things are getting overly wound up, she says, “W.A.I.T.” Translated as “Why Am I Talking!” Sometimes the best way to love on the ones we love is to stop talking, and when we are talking we should ask ourselves why am I talking!

When you really listen you will finally begin to hear more than words. You will sense emotion, color, hope, sadness and so many more nuances. Listening well will change the way you respond, perhaps instead of words it will be touch, or a deeper sigh that communicates that you get it, you understand, and you empathize.

Accept..

Most couples don’t begin their marriage thinking to themselves, “Hmm…how am I going to change that trait about my spouse!”  But somewhere along the line, our habits and behaviors begin to rub each other the wrong way.If you want to make your marriage last, you need to stop trying to change your spouse. First of all you need to know that you can’t change your spouse. You can make sure your wants and needs are known, but if you take on the role of change-agent you are heading for some pretty rough waters.

There are so many differences between men and women. Personally I believe our wiring differences are part of the divine design to keep us engaged in relational growth.  I love this anonymous quote:

“To dream the person you would like your partner to be is to waste the person your partner is.”

As time continues we often forget those incredible qualities and traits that drew us to our spouse in the first place. The little irritations build up as we are trying to create a spouse in our own image. A good homework assignment for you this week is to sit down, and write out a list of the traits, qualities, and expressions that you spouse has and does. After you have the list share it with your husband/wife and choose to release your need to change and control. Remember you can’t anyway and if you continue to try, you will be damaging the love you have.

Seduce…

Ah, that got your attention eh! Intimacy, physical touch, romantic and non-romantic. From simply holding hands to a knowing pat on the behind speaks a language of its own. Maybe you have lost some of the fire over the years…Maybe you have told yourself that you’re “just not the touch-type.” Regardless of the why, a relationship that doesn’t have a high level of touch will suffer. There are so many things you can begin doing to build a deeper level of intimacy:

  • Proactively schedule a regular date night. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but it does need to be consistent. Make a deal that on your date you will listen to each other, not talk about the job, kids, bills or whatever subject keeps you both too cerebral and at arm’s length.
  • Plan your romance. If you have kids, the days of spontaneous romance or sex are probably on hold as your life has become overwhelmed with all of the other “to-do’s” that come with raising a family. That is why you need to think ahead and plan out times for intimacy. If you don’t plan for it, it probably won’t happen.
  • Hold hands. Talk a walk together and hold hands. Remember the electrical charge you used to get when you were dating simply by touch the skin of your partner’s hand. Recapture that as you interlock your fingers and stroll.
  • Kiss. Often and for more than a half a second 🙂
  • Rub your spouses neck, back, feet or shoulders without being asked. That will be a win!
  • Send a romantic text to your spouse throughout the day.
  • Leave a posti-note on your spouses dashboard letting them know that you’re thinking about them.
  • Hug and hold each other…just because.

The list could go on and on. In fact, why don’t you leave some ideas in the comments section.

Research consistently shows that touching more creates a stronger bond by releasing oxytocin, and that will also help you build a marriage that lasts.

Thank…

I knew a principal whose motto at the Elementary school was “Catch em’ being good!” He knew that its positive reinforcement that makes a bigger impact on people than negative reinforcement. Developing an attitude of gratitude will improve your health and invigorate your life. Building the habit of thankfulness towards your spouse will rocket your relationship to the moon.

When your spouse does something good or helpful let them know how thankful you are, even if you think they should be doing it anyway! It’s hard enough working for an employer that doesn’t give you encouragement and thanks, so, if we don’t find it at home our souls take a hit, and often we try to find it in the wrong places.

When you take a moment to slow down and think about the things that you are thankful for concerning your spouse, you will have taken a big step in building a marriage that lasts. So stop nagging on each other and start bragging on each other and see what happens.

Let an attitude of thankfulness fill you and flow out of you and you will notice that all your relationships will improve.

~Monty

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Marriage Matters #1

Recently my wife Amy and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. When the big day was arriving we were working with a missionary team in St. Petersburg Russia, and then stopped off in Paris on the way home to mark the anniversary in grand style. (By the way,to the men out there, this is a sure-fire way to make up some well-needed points on the marriage score-sheet!)

Truly, I am so thankful for Amy. She has been an incredible wife, mother, partner and friend on this journey and I can’t imagine who I would be today without her in my life. In Paris we had many opportunities to look back over the years and remember all the events, milestones, hard times and mountaintops that we have experienced together. When we arrived back home, I was met with some news of some other couples that were not celebrating, but were separating, and what had started out as a hopeful future for them was turning into a really dark chapter that was ending in ash.

Marriage is crucial on so many fronts, especially if you are in leadership. Your marriage is a reflection about what you believe to be true about God. It is a reflection about the values you hold. When people look at our marriages they learn a lot about us don’t they?

* How we treat the people we love
* Whether or not we elevate the ones we love
* Can we be trusted to hold shattered emotions
* Whether you are a person worthy to follow or one to avoid
* Will you protect and fight for the ones you love

Yes, our relationships are a big revelation one way or the other about who we are in the core of our soul. If you long to have a marriage that does more than simply exist you must get the magic ingredient of effort and use it liberally because great marriages don’t just happen, they are co-created.Here are four more positive ingredients for you to consider in co-creating a marriage that lasts.

1. Time. In my book Sacred Space I make the following observation:

“Go online or browse any bookstore today and you will find that there are numerous books and articles encouraging couples to spend more time talking intimately with each other. I recently read one article that stated that a marriage could drastically improve if the couple agreed to soend te minutes a day in conversation. I thought, wow, only ten minutes! We are in worse shape than I imagined.”

Time together is crucial for a healthy marriage. There are so many demands upon our time today that it has become easier to give up on co-creating a great marriage, and instead acquiesce to the tyranny of the urget. We put the kids, work, reality TV and even Facebook ahead of marriage and then when things go south we wonder why. As a non-scientific experience this week take note of how much time you spend online and infront of the TVand then weigh that against how much direct one on one time you are investing in your spouse.

Making a priority of investing time into your marriage will pay huge dividends from your spouse feeling like they are the most important thing in your life to actually reigniting the connection that might be laying dormant.

If you have been good at regularly scheduling date nights, long walks, and time to enjoy each others presence, keep on doing it!

2. Study. In todays culture we hear the term “life-long-learner” a lot. A life-long-learner is someone who is committed to expanding their knowledge, understanding and experience through educational and experiential pursuits.

If you would like to co-create an incredible marriage you need to become a life-long-learner or a student of your spouse. Your wedding day did not end your need to understand who your spouse is, in fact your wedding day is actually entrance into the first semester of a sacred life-long-learning adventure.

Obviously this will take a commitment to the first ingredient of time, but here are some other ideas for you:

  • Keep asking questions. Ask questions about dreams, hopes, likes and dislikes. Ask questions about struggles and pleasures Ask question that go deeper than, “What’s for dinner?” Ask how he/she would rate your marriage on a scale from 1-10. If it’s not a 10 ask what it would take to get there, then do it! Become observant of habits, desires, disappointments and learn their love language, or what makes them feel most loved. This exercise alone will expand your connection and you will soon realize that you don’t know each other as well as you thought , and that’s a good thing! If you knew it all you’d have no more questions or curiosity.
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  • Get a book. There are literally thousands of great books to help you grow in your marriage. Get one and read a chapter a week, and then discuss what you read on a date. Grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and share what you learned and ask each other the questions it raised for you. Here are just a few of my favorite books on marriage:

The Five Love Languages
The Four Seasons of Marriage
Sacred Marriage
I Don’t Want A Divorce
Love and Respect
His Needs Her Needs
Covenant Marriage
Boundaries in Marriage
The DNA of Relationships

  • Take A Marriage Seminar.
  • Join a marriage small group.

There are so many more ideas I’d love to put down, but I think you get my point…make it your gaol to have the best possible marriage and then study to get there..

3. Safeguards. What are you doing to fight for and protect your marriage? There are forces out there that are doing everything they can to drive a wedge in the sanctity of marriage and most people are oblivious it would seem. There are choices, decision and boundary issues that you need to determine in order to safeguard the most important human relationship you have.

  • Pray daily for your spouse and for your marriage intimacy.
  • Avoid compromising situations with someone of the other sex.
  • Choose not to flirt with co-workers or other people of the opposite sex.

Ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse exhibited the same behaviors towards others that you do. Some other revealing questions to ask yourself might be:

  • Do I find myself texting or emailing someone of the opposite sex more than I do my spouse, why?
  • Do I find myself thinking about someone other than my spouse a lot?
  • Do I send mixed messages in the way I interact with people of the opposite sex?

If you have fallen into some of the marriage killing traps there is still good news! You can choose to establish safeguards and change the way you interact. This will create a sense of security and safety in your marriage and eliminate many of the potential land mines out there.
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4. Support. I believe that your primary responsibility as a married person is to make sure that your spouse becomes the man or woman that God created them to be. This will take Time, Study, and Safeguarding.  It also means that you have to become the champion of your spouse.

So instead of nagging your spouse or nagging about them you choose to brag on your spouse and about them. Wives, one of the most life-giving things you can do to build up and support your husband is to say good, nice and positive things about them in front of others! It’s like an adrenalin shot to a mans soul. And men, the same go for your wives. No more sarcastic jokes about cooking, driving or any of the other stereotypical putdowns that get a little laugh yet wound a soul.

Notice and comment on your spouses accomplishments, qualities, successes, and reaffirm over and over again your love and commitment. Not only will you be co-creating an incredible love story, you will be warding off the attacks that could lead to adultery and divorce.

While there is so much more to say, I’ll end here for now as this is only Marriage Matters #1, look for Marriage Matters #2 soon!

Grace and Peace,
Monty