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10 Excuses That Will Keep You Stuck

excuses

I know, I know…there is always an excuse for not doing something. In my life I have heard many excuses and erroneous beliefs by people who think that they are stuck, against the wall and that things just can’t possibly work for them. This infectious mindset is a dream and goal killer that will become a self fulfilling prophecy. Check out the top ten dream killing excuses I have encountered most. With each excuse I have written a rumination that I hope will push you past the wall that is created by that excuse. Life is too short to give up, throw in the towel, or choose to not even get to the starting line. I believe in you, so read on.

1. It’s Way Too Hard!

Well, it might be hard, but nothing of lasting value comes easy. File this excuse in the round-bin and determine to push through until you get a break through! As I consider the things that have given me the greatest amounts of joy and purpose, I quickly realize that “hard” was a part of the journey. Working through a hurt relationship…a mom in childbirth…launching a new endeavor…helping a team achieve their shared potential ..helping someone find God…helping someone find freedom from life’s hurts, hangups or habits. What are your greatest joys?

2. I Don’t Have Enough Education.

Well I have one easy word to say to this excuse…GOOGLE. Seriously, information is overabundantly available and easy to acquire. Another word is…YOUTUBE. You can watch and learn pretty much anything you might possibly need to know, along with a ton of stuff you don’t need to know with a click of the mouse. Read…learn…invest time in research. You might not have a degree, but all the information you need on any given subject is available if you look for it.

3. No One Will Buy It.

Well, they might not, BUT…just spend some time watching infomercials and that will change your mind. Just today I saw infomercials that are raking in millions on products like “Forever Lazy”, “Smokeless Cigarettes”, and “eco-friendly cooking pans!” Another great show to watch is “Shark Tank” where people are selling investors on some pretty crazy and unique items. You simply need to think through the”whys” of your idea and start thinking about how to communicate your idea to the world.

4. Better To Be Safe Than Sorry.

I have heard this voiced from the lips of risk managers for years! And every time this excuse is vocalized a dream dies somewhere. Play the movie forward…you are on your deathbed…your life is flashing before your eyes…all the dreams you had and the possibilities that found their genesis in your soul are playing… yet none of them finding fruition in your life because you played it safe. You struggled to make ends meet in life all-the-while making someone else, who took risks, wealthy . You gave your ideas away and other people not only did well with them, the idea made a major life changing impact. I think you’ll be sorry you always played it safe.

5. I Don’t Have Any Experience At This.

This might be true, but remember there was a time when:

  • going to school was something you had never done.
  • falling in love was a feeling you had never had.
  • driving a car had never been attempted.
  • playing a particular sport was completely unknown in your experience.

All of these are excuses based upon fear of the unknown. Your life has been built on many “firsts” so don’t let this one bench you!

6. I Don’t Have Enough Time.

This is by far the #1 excuse I hear. In my book Sacred Space I note that the average American will spend a total of 15 complete years  in front of a TV or computer screen by the time they are 65 years old. That’s a whole lot of Pinterest, Facebook and Dancing With the Stars and it is amazingly sad to me. Everybody has the same number of seconds, minutes and hours in each day. The difference between those who accomplish much and those who accomplish little is in how they manage their time. Perhaps it’s time for you to master your schedule instead of things, events and other people mastering your time.

7. If I Succeed There Will Be Greater Expectations of Me.

This is a bit deeper, but is still rooted in fear. Many wonder, “What will people expect from me if I succeed at this?”, “Will I be able to meet their expectations?”, “If I can’t meet their expectations then I just can’t move forward.” My response to this is three words…”Not Your Monkey.” Sure, people will have elevated expectations of you, but guess what? They already do and you probably just don’t know it. At the end of the day you need to be able to stand clean before God, not your neighbor. What other people expect of you is their monkey not yours so let it go! It’s time to stop being controlled by the expectations of others by setting good boundaries based on grace and truth.

8. I Don’t Have People To Help Me.

Well, I have been there for sure. Sometimes I have felt very alone as I have moved forward, and other times I have had a great team around me. What I have learned is that when I commit and move forward with all of my heart, like minded people appear! If I had waited for people to come around and support me before any initiative, most of those ideas would still be on the launching pad. Instead, when I believe I have the right purpose, I start moving and visioning and the right people naturally connect with the vision. Had I not started though I would have never connected with those people. So decide, determine and detonate! Your team will appear.

9. It’s Been Done Before.

This is true, in fact King Solomon said it best in Ecclesiastes 1:9

“What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.”

Everything is a synthetic remix of something else. A good friend of mine, and record producer, once told me that there is nothing new in rock music that the group Boston hadn’t done in some fashion! Whatever it is that you are considering, just make it yours.

10. If I Fail I’ll Be Crushed.

I really get this. Fear of failure is what keeps a large number of people from pursuing their dreams. And the truth is…you might fail, more than once. I take solace in the truth that most success stories were birthed in some failures,for instance:

  • Henry Ford went broke five times before he founded the successful Ford Motor Co.
  • R.H. Macy had seven failed businesses before he hit it big with Macy’s in New York.
  • Harland Sanders’ recipe for chicen was rejected 1009 times before a restaurant finally picked it up.
  • Walt Disney was told “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.”
  • Thomas Edison was told  in his early years that he was “too stupid to learn anything.”

If you have found yourself uttering any of these excuses it is time to let them go, set your sails, and move forward.

I also came across the following info-graphic on Facebook today that I thought was worth ruminating over.  ~Monty

success indicator

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10 Questions To Assess, Align and Launch You into 2013

2013

The ability to convert ideas to things is the secret to outward success.
~Henry Ward Beecher

If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up someplace else.
~Yogi Berra

Our plans miscarry because they have no aim. When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind.  ~Seneca

Goals are dreams with deadlines.  ~Diana Scharf Hunt

Guess what? January is just a breath away. As the calendar turn us yet again into another year, there is a natural sense, hard-wired into us, to reset our souls, realign our priorities and establish goals to accomplish our dreams.

I have looked over many different lists of questions that others have asked themselves in order to move forward, and here I have selected the top 10. These questions are powerful, I would recommend that you schedule some time to be alone where you can pray, read through the questions, and then write out answers to the questions.

After you have answered the questions, the next step will be to prioritize them and set some short term and long term goals in order to measure progress and see movement toward the direction you are going.

1. What area of your life is most in need a change this year?

2. What is one thing you can do to dramatically improve your relationship with God this year?

3. What would happen if your best dream came true? What is your best dream?

4.  What is the single biggest time-waster in your life, and what will you do about it this year?

5.  What positive habit would you most like to establish this year?

6. Where will you commit and invest your time and talent this year?

7. What book(s) will you read this year (outside of the Bible) to enrich your life?

8. What area of doctrine/theology/spirituality do you want to study for better understanding this year?

9. What one thing can you do this year that will leave a positive and lasting legacy for your family and community?

10. What one thing do you most regret about last year, and what will you do about it this year?

After you have finished answering these questions, it is critical that you create a “next step” of what you will do to make your answer become a reality. Dreams and goals are great, but if they are absent an action plan they generally never see lift-off. As you create actionable steps employ someone you can share your list with and ask them to keep you accountable to doing what you know you need to do.

The choices and decisions you make today -will- determine your life experience and outcome in the next 5-10 years. So carefully answer the questions and establish a plan to accomplish the goals you have made.

Bonus Questions for those who dare!

1. Ask your spouse,

  • What is it like having me as a husband/wife?
  • What can I do differently this year to improve our marriage?”

2. Ask your kids, “What is it like having me for a mom/dad?

  • What is it like having me for a mom/dad?
  • What can I do this year to be a better parent?

3. Ask your co-workers,

  • What one thing can I do differently this year that will make the most positive impact for our company?
  • What is it like to work with me?

4. Ask your pastor,

  • What is the greatest need our church has that I can help with?
  • Where should I be plugging in at church to become the person God created me to be?

Here’s a final thought on persistence from Zig Ziglar:

“Persistence is the ability to maintain actions regardless of your feelings. You press on even when you feel like quitting. When you work on any big goal your motivation will wax and wane like the waves hitting the shore. Sometimes you’ll feel motivated, sometimes you won’t. But it’s not your motivation that creates results – it’s your action.

Persistence allows you to keep taking action even when you don’t feel motivated to do so, and therefore you keep accumulating results. Persistence will ultimately provide its own motivation. If you simply keep taking action, you’ll eventually get results, and results can be very motivating.”

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“dodge-duck-dip-dive-and-dodge” Marriage Matters #4

Communication is crucial in marriage. Most marriage breakdowns and breakups can find some level of poor communication as a root cause.  It has been said that there are six possible messages heard in every conversation:

1. What you intended to say…
2. What you actually said…
3. What your spouse heard you say…
4. What your spouse thinks he/she heard you say…
5. What your spouse says about what you said…
6. What you think your spouse said about what you said…

I think the following quotes sums it up quite well:

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” ~Robert McCloskey

Communication isn’t easy, yet for some reason we all think that we are the clearest and most concise communicators on the planet!

For a marriage to communicate at it’s best there are some practices you need to major on, and some practices that you need to eliminate!

Do This!

1. Practice Clarity

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who is as vague as a politician during election season? They talk a lot but never seem to quite land the conversation with clarity. Choose to speak as clearly and concisely as possible. Often, a person will be vague because they are afraid that speaking truthfully will cause to much damage, when in reality a lack of clarity causes the listener to create their own interpretation of what is being said. Choose against beating around the bush hoping your spouse will catch on to what your are trying to communicate in a round about way. Trust me, they don’t get it. Communicate with clarity and brevity, and when your done ask your spouse to paraphrase back to you what they heard. This will reveal just how we misinterpret what we are being told.

2. Choose The Right Time

Believe me, there is a right time and a drastically wrong time to have an intense conversation. Most people choose the wrong time because they are in a reactionary mode and not a responsive or proactive mode. Let’s start by looking at times to avoid:

a. Late at night
b. When you are tired
c. When you are really angry
d. When you’re distracted

Important conversations need all the bandwidth that we can muster. So choose a time when you free from distractions, have emotional bandwidth, are removed from reactive anger and are not running on fumes or are trying to handle the kids, cook dinner or are engaged in something else that requires your attention. Good communication requires that you are physically, spiritually and emotionally present.

3. Listen Fully

In order to listen fully we must choose to actively listen to our spouse. That means that I need to stop thinking about my response, rebuttal or redirect while my spouse is talking. Active listening is hard but is one of the most powerful tools you have to increase the intimacy in your marriage. When our minds are contemplating what our response or justification should be, we have stopped listening and have increased the odds of misunderstanding what we are being told. When we choose to fully listen, we have just voted -for- the relationship by deciding that it is more important to understand each other than prove we are right.

4. Clarify What You Heard

This is so powerful, but few couples actually do it because they think it is simply a counseling gimmick. It doesn’t have to be so “cliché'” though. Many times a day I am asking people if I am hearing them right, and in our marriages it is even more important to ask that question. Simply intoning, “So are you saying…” after your spouse has told you something is not psycho-babble, it is choosing to make sure you are getting clarity on what you are hearing. That leads to understanding, and understanding births intimacy and a deeper knowing.

5. Continue The Process

Remember that learning and growing in communication is a life-long process. We never arrive, we are always learning! As our communication gets better we often take it for granted that we “get it” or that we always know what our spouse is trying to say. In other-words we get lazy with our communication and that eventually leads to some big misunderstandings. So keep at it! Keep asking questions. Keep clarifying what you are hearing. Keep listening with your eyes, ears and heart.

Don’t Do This!

1. Criticize

Criticism works like soul-sabotage. Often when a spouse has unmet expectations that have not been addressed, frustration goes underground and then combusts in the form of character assassinations that target the shortcomings of their spouse. When we criticize our spouses, there is a deconstruction that takes place infusing feelings of inferiority and worthlessness. Criticism rarely changes the behavior that sparked it, but it does destroy the intimate fabric you are weaving in your marriage.

2.  Attack

Attack and criticism often are tandem strikes launched out of frustration. When we get big, loud and launch an attack, there is no going back.  An attack is often postured as a defensive attitude. When we get defensive, we are no longer listening, and all of our energy is shifted towards winning the battle. Choose not to attack emotionally, verbally and of course physically. An attack can also come in the form of an onslaught of pressure from one spouse to “fix” an argument. When we push in this way when the timing is not right, we can end up doing more harm than good. Become ware of your actions, your words and your intensity, sometime we have no idea how much we live in “attack mode” and call it communication.

3. Withdraw

Withdrawal is the opposite of the attack, but it is just as deadly in a marriage. The message that is sent when a spouse completely withdraws with no explanation is one of “You don’t matter.” This often causes the non-withdrawing spouse to engage harder or in a more intense fashion and the destructive cycle builds and builds until it explodes. Stay engaged, decide on a good time to discuss your relationship and choose to eliminate isolation as a coping tool. Also ask yourself why you are withdrawing. Are you doing so as a weapon or a way to make your point, or are you truly processing something. Stay present and  stay engaged and you’ll be helping your marriage grow.

4. Defend

When we feel that we are being wrongly criticized or blamed, our internal defense attorney is “Johnny-on-the-spot” and leaps into action with  both barrels loaded. Remember that when all of our mental and emotional energy is spent justifying something or defending ourselves we are no listening, therefore communication is not happening. The best way to navigate this scenario is to  listen, acknowledge your spouses perspective (a persons perspective is their reality whether it is true or not) and seek clarification on how to best move forward. When a couple has chosen to stop defense as a first move, they are better able to hear each other and realize that their perception(s) might be or are wrong. When we fight to the death for our position we never see if a perception is wrong.

5. Deflect

Deflection is a great tool for denial. Instead of dealing with the conversation at hand, we “dodge-duck-dip-dive-and-dodge” the issue. This avoids the hard work of growing up and we deflect away the opportunity to grow in intimacy with our spouse. We deflect by minimizing a situation, “Oh it’s not that bad,” or “Come on I’m not like that.” We deflect by changing the subject multiple times during a conversation. We deflect by dancing around an issue and not addressing it in a clear way. We deflect by blame-shifting or playing the “victim card.” Remember that when a spouse deflects, the chance to truly communicate has just left the building.

So how are you doing? Take a moment and go back through the Do’s and Don’ts. Rate yourself on each area between 1 and 5.  1 being  rarely and 5 being always…then take a faith leap and have your spouse rate you…that will show you pretty quickly the reality of your perception 🙂

Monty

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Attitude: how high will you soar?

On many occasions I have asked people what they believe is the most important factor in moving towards success, reaching goals, and accomplishments.  I have received many answers like, “luck…money…training…knowing the right people…and even God.” Those are all great answers, but in my experience there is one thing that is commonly found in the men and women who achieve much and that is the state of their “attitude.”

Thomas Jefferson noted:

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”

I agree with Jefferson. A persons attitude greatly affects his beliefs, choices, and the way he/she see themselves and the world. I have often said, “Give me a person with a positive attitude and a strong purpose and passion and I can give them the tools to do anything…but if you give me a person who has all the education and tools but lacks passion, purpose and a positive attitude, there is not much I can do.”

Bad attitudes sink teams…Good attitudes encourage teams…
Bad attitudes destroy hope…Good attitudes believe in something bigger…
Bad attitudes never see the potential…Good attitudes see the invisible…
Bad attitudes major in sarcasm…Good attitudes major in faith…
Bad attitudes keep people stuck…Good attitudes free people from limitations…

One of the problems facing us today is how our culture honors, elevates and seems to worship sarcasm and the negative. Most of the sitcoms and young adult shows center around curmudgeonly characters who view all things from a negative lens…merely watch the plethora of reality Tv options and you will experience a steady diet of self centered negativity. This is the primary programming language infusing the current and next generation, and that is worrisome.

If you struggle with the “gift” of sarcasm, or a negative filter…there are some things you can begin doing to reclaim the way you think.

1. Infuse your mind with the positive: This is so critical. Most of the data that people fill their minds with is negative. The news, TV shows, etc. Choosing to fill our minds and souls with good stuff is crucial. Read inspiring stories, faith stories, positive and spiritual quotes. Choose to watch media that is positive and limit the negative media assaults. Pray, meditate, ruminate, read sacred Scripture and books that elevate your soul. In short, become aware of the data that you are feeding your mind and soul with. You will become like the data you fuel yourself with.

2. Choose to be positive: This is where self-awareness is necessary. Most people are not very self aware of their emotions, attitudes or thoughts. Slowing down enough by practicing some regular times of solitude and silence will greatly help you become more self aware. As you become self aware, you will find that you have the option to make a choice about what you are thinking. When I find my mind in a negative or pessimistic state, I always stop and ask God to help me release those thoughts to Him as well as reinfuse my thoughts with positive ones that flow from who He is. In my mind and heart I say, “I choose to think positive God-thoughts.” This helps me identify the negative thought patterns and acknowledge that I don’t want them in my mind.

3. Practice Gratitude daily: This is so powerful! If you don’t have a cheap spiral notebook go out and get one today! It will be the best .79 cents you have ever spent. Once you have it, find a spot in your day to stop and simply write even one thing that you are grateful for. Even the fact that you have a notebook and a pen and are able to write is something to be thankful for!  The more you invest in looking for the things to be grateful for and writing them down, the more you will experience a growing sense of thankfulness for life.

4. Limit the time you spend with negative people: This one is a bit harder because some of the negative people in your life are probably family and friends. If that is the case for you, note how much time you spend with those who are negative, and then invest more time to be around people who have a positive attitude and will expand your soul. The adage that you become like the people you hang out with is true. So pay attention to the thoughts, beliefs and things people say. As you become aware of the attitudes of the people around you, the better you will be able to make decisions about the time you spend with them.

5.  Choose to smile: This might seem trivial but it really isn’t. Right now, right where you are at, stop….take a deep breath in and out and then plant a big ol’ smile on your face! Come on just do it…can you feel how it begins to change how you feel and see things…it is really hard to be mad, angry, bitter or negative when you are sporting a big smile. Throughout your day as you practice self-awareness, make the choice to smile big…it will flood your soul with better feelings and thoughts which will help with your attitude.

Here are some great quotes on attitude to start reprogramming your thought life with!

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.  ~Maya Angelou

When you pray for anyone you tend to modify your personal attitude toward him.  ~Norman Vincent Peale

Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.  ~Viktor E. Frankl

We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.  ~Charles R. Swindoll

Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude.  ~Zig Ziglar

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.  ~Khalil Gibran

Success or failure depends more upon attitude than upon capacity successful men act as though they have accomplished or are enjoying something. Soon it becomes a reality. Act, look, feel successful, conduct yourself accordingly, and you will be amazed at the positive results.  ~William James

Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees.  ~Victor Hugo

The remarkable thing is, we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  ~Charles R. Swindoll

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.  ~Voltaire

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly.  You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.  ~Roald Dahl

You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.  ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. ~Mahatma Gandhi

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Philippians 2:5