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10 Questions To Assess, Align and Launch You into 2013

2013

The ability to convert ideas to things is the secret to outward success.
~Henry Ward Beecher

If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up someplace else.
~Yogi Berra

Our plans miscarry because they have no aim. When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind.  ~Seneca

Goals are dreams with deadlines.  ~Diana Scharf Hunt

Guess what? January is just a breath away. As the calendar turn us yet again into another year, there is a natural sense, hard-wired into us, to reset our souls, realign our priorities and establish goals to accomplish our dreams.

I have looked over many different lists of questions that others have asked themselves in order to move forward, and here I have selected the top 10. These questions are powerful, I would recommend that you schedule some time to be alone where you can pray, read through the questions, and then write out answers to the questions.

After you have answered the questions, the next step will be to prioritize them and set some short term and long term goals in order to measure progress and see movement toward the direction you are going.

1. What area of your life is most in need a change this year?

2. What is one thing you can do to dramatically improve your relationship with God this year?

3. What would happen if your best dream came true? What is your best dream?

4.  What is the single biggest time-waster in your life, and what will you do about it this year?

5.  What positive habit would you most like to establish this year?

6. Where will you commit and invest your time and talent this year?

7. What book(s) will you read this year (outside of the Bible) to enrich your life?

8. What area of doctrine/theology/spirituality do you want to study for better understanding this year?

9. What one thing can you do this year that will leave a positive and lasting legacy for your family and community?

10. What one thing do you most regret about last year, and what will you do about it this year?

After you have finished answering these questions, it is critical that you create a “next step” of what you will do to make your answer become a reality. Dreams and goals are great, but if they are absent an action plan they generally never see lift-off. As you create actionable steps employ someone you can share your list with and ask them to keep you accountable to doing what you know you need to do.

The choices and decisions you make today -will- determine your life experience and outcome in the next 5-10 years. So carefully answer the questions and establish a plan to accomplish the goals you have made.

Bonus Questions for those who dare!

1. Ask your spouse,

  • What is it like having me as a husband/wife?
  • What can I do differently this year to improve our marriage?”

2. Ask your kids, “What is it like having me for a mom/dad?

  • What is it like having me for a mom/dad?
  • What can I do this year to be a better parent?

3. Ask your co-workers,

  • What one thing can I do differently this year that will make the most positive impact for our company?
  • What is it like to work with me?

4. Ask your pastor,

  • What is the greatest need our church has that I can help with?
  • Where should I be plugging in at church to become the person God created me to be?

Here’s a final thought on persistence from Zig Ziglar:

“Persistence is the ability to maintain actions regardless of your feelings. You press on even when you feel like quitting. When you work on any big goal your motivation will wax and wane like the waves hitting the shore. Sometimes you’ll feel motivated, sometimes you won’t. But it’s not your motivation that creates results – it’s your action.

Persistence allows you to keep taking action even when you don’t feel motivated to do so, and therefore you keep accumulating results. Persistence will ultimately provide its own motivation. If you simply keep taking action, you’ll eventually get results, and results can be very motivating.”

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Tips From Worlds Longest Married Couple! Marriage Matters #5

I  came across this article on the Daily Mail UK web site and thought it was worth sharing! Imagine being married for 87 years! That’s how longs this couple has been married. It’s a great interview and they share their longevity tips…MC

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To have and to hold … for 87 years! World’s longest married couple share their secrets to living happily ever after

  • Karam, 107, and Katari, 100, have been married for 87 years
  • They have 8 children and 28 grandchildren together
  • The marriage is almost 5 years longer than current Guinness record holders
  • Couple say that laughter and looking after each other is key to marriage

By BIANCA LONDON

In an age where few marriages endure the test of time, 107-year-old Karam and his wife Katari Chand, 100, are proof that happy ever after does exist.

The couple, who have eight children and twenty eight grandchildren together, have lived in wedded bliss for 87 years making them the world’s longest married couple.

The pair say that the key to success is looking after each other in every way possible: ‘My trick is to make Katari laugh. I like to tell jokes and make her smile. Being funny is my way of being romantic.’ says Karam.

Karam and Katari Chand have been married for 87 years and are in the process of being confirmed as Guinness World Record holders for the world's longest marriageKaram and Katari Chand have been married for 87 years and are in the process of being confirmed as Guinness World Record holders for the world’s longest marriage

‘I have been told laughing makes you live longer… my wife is still alive so it must have worked! I love her so much and I want to spend another 80 years by her side,’ said Karam.

From romantic meals to sharing jokes, the couple, who hail from Punjab, India and now live in Bradford ensure that they do little things for each other to keep the romance alive.

Katari told romantic networking site Zoosk.co.uk: ‘When I was young I used to make him a nice fresh meal every night. We are vegetarian so I brought lots of fresh vegetables and made sure he was eating healthy food.

‘Health is very important and I wanted to look after him so we could grow old together. Some would say it has worked!

The couple, who are both over 100, have eight children and twenty eight grandchildren togetherThe couple, who are both over 100, have eight children and twenty eight grandchildren together

‘Oh and how can I forget, I always save a bit of my chapatti for him. Just a little gesture that he appreciated a lot and it kept me a bit slimmer.’

Karam, who likes to do a word search every day to keep his mind alive, believes that spending plenty of time together has helped their marriage last.

‘We have not spent any long span apart in over 50 years. We go everywhere together – up until a few years ago we went to India every year with the family and for all family weddings we make sure we get to stay together,’ he said.

They maintain that the key to standing the test of time in marriage is looking after each other in every way possibleThey maintain that the key to standing the test of time in marriage is looking after each other in every way possible

Their marriage has lasted nearly five years longer than that of the current Guinness World Record holders and the couple are in the process of getting confirmation from the company that they will be named as the new record holders.

Many modern day romances fail to stand the test of time but longevity and experience makes Karam the best man to go to for relationship advice.

‘In the past people used to listen. Now I don’t think people take the time to listen to each other properly. People seem too busy today with work, TV and other stuff going on around them.

‘Relationships are about understanding one another and listening to concerns and problems, so my advice to men and women is to listen to their partners, show interest in what they are saying and help them overcome any worries or problems they are going through,’ he said.

Karam and Katari Chand received a certificate of achievement from dating site Zoosk
The couple love to make each other laugh and will have a joint birthday celebration in November

The couple love to make each other laugh and will have a joint birthday celebration in November

And their son Satpaul, who is extremely proud of his parent’s relationship, added his own words of wisdom.

He said: ‘One piece of advice that I can’t stress enough is to keep your parents very close. We live with them in Bradford and look after them because we want to help them live as long as they can together.

‘I don’t want to see their love story end. I truly believe that by helping them over the last few years we have enabled them to enjoy their time together with no stress and being looked after.

‘Also, you have to value them while they are here because you never know how long they are going to be around for.’

The still loved-up couple, who met through an arranged marriage, are having a big party in November to celebrate Karam’s 107th and Katari’s 100th birthday. The Mayor of Bradford as well as lots of community members will be joining in the festivities.

THEIR TOP FIVE TIPS TO KEEPING THE ROMANCE ALIVE

  • Always be faithful: always be faithful to one another. When you get married you commit to devoting your life to that person and even when the times are tough, don’t believe that the grass is greener…because it isn’t.
  • Look after each other as best you can: if you want to grow old with your partner you have to make sure you always look after each other in every shape and form. Whether it is making a meal, holding your partners hand when crossing the road or being a shoulder to cry on when something goes wrong.
  • Be tolerant of each other: everyone has bad habits or annoying traits. Whether it is leaving a towel on the floor or listening to the radio too loudly, you have to tolerate each other and realise that no one is perfect. Of course we irritate each other occasionally, but if you want to last nearly 90 years, learn to love bad habits or it won’t work.
  • Listen to each other: the most important thing in a relationship is to listen. People don’t listen anymore because they are too busy with work and TV. Listen to your loved ones’ problems and concerns every day, because then you can help them overcome them and be happier. Also, it brings you closer together because you are the first port of call for each other when there is an issue in your life.
  • Follow social and religious values: always make sure you follow social or religious values. Respect, care, cherish, love and value your partner – always treat them how you would want to be treated yourself.
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“dodge-duck-dip-dive-and-dodge” Marriage Matters #4

Communication is crucial in marriage. Most marriage breakdowns and breakups can find some level of poor communication as a root cause.  It has been said that there are six possible messages heard in every conversation:

1. What you intended to say…
2. What you actually said…
3. What your spouse heard you say…
4. What your spouse thinks he/she heard you say…
5. What your spouse says about what you said…
6. What you think your spouse said about what you said…

I think the following quotes sums it up quite well:

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” ~Robert McCloskey

Communication isn’t easy, yet for some reason we all think that we are the clearest and most concise communicators on the planet!

For a marriage to communicate at it’s best there are some practices you need to major on, and some practices that you need to eliminate!

Do This!

1. Practice Clarity

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who is as vague as a politician during election season? They talk a lot but never seem to quite land the conversation with clarity. Choose to speak as clearly and concisely as possible. Often, a person will be vague because they are afraid that speaking truthfully will cause to much damage, when in reality a lack of clarity causes the listener to create their own interpretation of what is being said. Choose against beating around the bush hoping your spouse will catch on to what your are trying to communicate in a round about way. Trust me, they don’t get it. Communicate with clarity and brevity, and when your done ask your spouse to paraphrase back to you what they heard. This will reveal just how we misinterpret what we are being told.

2. Choose The Right Time

Believe me, there is a right time and a drastically wrong time to have an intense conversation. Most people choose the wrong time because they are in a reactionary mode and not a responsive or proactive mode. Let’s start by looking at times to avoid:

a. Late at night
b. When you are tired
c. When you are really angry
d. When you’re distracted

Important conversations need all the bandwidth that we can muster. So choose a time when you free from distractions, have emotional bandwidth, are removed from reactive anger and are not running on fumes or are trying to handle the kids, cook dinner or are engaged in something else that requires your attention. Good communication requires that you are physically, spiritually and emotionally present.

3. Listen Fully

In order to listen fully we must choose to actively listen to our spouse. That means that I need to stop thinking about my response, rebuttal or redirect while my spouse is talking. Active listening is hard but is one of the most powerful tools you have to increase the intimacy in your marriage. When our minds are contemplating what our response or justification should be, we have stopped listening and have increased the odds of misunderstanding what we are being told. When we choose to fully listen, we have just voted -for- the relationship by deciding that it is more important to understand each other than prove we are right.

4. Clarify What You Heard

This is so powerful, but few couples actually do it because they think it is simply a counseling gimmick. It doesn’t have to be so “cliché'” though. Many times a day I am asking people if I am hearing them right, and in our marriages it is even more important to ask that question. Simply intoning, “So are you saying…” after your spouse has told you something is not psycho-babble, it is choosing to make sure you are getting clarity on what you are hearing. That leads to understanding, and understanding births intimacy and a deeper knowing.

5. Continue The Process

Remember that learning and growing in communication is a life-long process. We never arrive, we are always learning! As our communication gets better we often take it for granted that we “get it” or that we always know what our spouse is trying to say. In other-words we get lazy with our communication and that eventually leads to some big misunderstandings. So keep at it! Keep asking questions. Keep clarifying what you are hearing. Keep listening with your eyes, ears and heart.

Don’t Do This!

1. Criticize

Criticism works like soul-sabotage. Often when a spouse has unmet expectations that have not been addressed, frustration goes underground and then combusts in the form of character assassinations that target the shortcomings of their spouse. When we criticize our spouses, there is a deconstruction that takes place infusing feelings of inferiority and worthlessness. Criticism rarely changes the behavior that sparked it, but it does destroy the intimate fabric you are weaving in your marriage.

2.  Attack

Attack and criticism often are tandem strikes launched out of frustration. When we get big, loud and launch an attack, there is no going back.  An attack is often postured as a defensive attitude. When we get defensive, we are no longer listening, and all of our energy is shifted towards winning the battle. Choose not to attack emotionally, verbally and of course physically. An attack can also come in the form of an onslaught of pressure from one spouse to “fix” an argument. When we push in this way when the timing is not right, we can end up doing more harm than good. Become ware of your actions, your words and your intensity, sometime we have no idea how much we live in “attack mode” and call it communication.

3. Withdraw

Withdrawal is the opposite of the attack, but it is just as deadly in a marriage. The message that is sent when a spouse completely withdraws with no explanation is one of “You don’t matter.” This often causes the non-withdrawing spouse to engage harder or in a more intense fashion and the destructive cycle builds and builds until it explodes. Stay engaged, decide on a good time to discuss your relationship and choose to eliminate isolation as a coping tool. Also ask yourself why you are withdrawing. Are you doing so as a weapon or a way to make your point, or are you truly processing something. Stay present and  stay engaged and you’ll be helping your marriage grow.

4. Defend

When we feel that we are being wrongly criticized or blamed, our internal defense attorney is “Johnny-on-the-spot” and leaps into action with  both barrels loaded. Remember that when all of our mental and emotional energy is spent justifying something or defending ourselves we are no listening, therefore communication is not happening. The best way to navigate this scenario is to  listen, acknowledge your spouses perspective (a persons perspective is their reality whether it is true or not) and seek clarification on how to best move forward. When a couple has chosen to stop defense as a first move, they are better able to hear each other and realize that their perception(s) might be or are wrong. When we fight to the death for our position we never see if a perception is wrong.

5. Deflect

Deflection is a great tool for denial. Instead of dealing with the conversation at hand, we “dodge-duck-dip-dive-and-dodge” the issue. This avoids the hard work of growing up and we deflect away the opportunity to grow in intimacy with our spouse. We deflect by minimizing a situation, “Oh it’s not that bad,” or “Come on I’m not like that.” We deflect by changing the subject multiple times during a conversation. We deflect by dancing around an issue and not addressing it in a clear way. We deflect by blame-shifting or playing the “victim card.” Remember that when a spouse deflects, the chance to truly communicate has just left the building.

So how are you doing? Take a moment and go back through the Do’s and Don’ts. Rate yourself on each area between 1 and 5.  1 being  rarely and 5 being always…then take a faith leap and have your spouse rate you…that will show you pretty quickly the reality of your perception 🙂

Monty

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It’s Football Time!

Football season has descended and we are firing up the 12th man in Seattle! The level of commitment that football fans demonstrate is awe-inspiring. In so many ways, the worship that happens inside the stadium is more intense than the worship we see in many churches. What is it about football that ignites her fans so intensely?

As I think about the question of the influence of football, a few thoughts come to mind.I think the words “tribalism” “consumerism”  &  “competitive-ism” sum up the questions of football’s powerful influence.

Humans are a tribal people. We click up and team up with people who are generally wired like ourselves. We rally around a common cause. We group up around ethnicity. We band together and fight for the protection of our tribes. This is normal and good. It creates a sense of personal and group identity which fills our need to belong somewhere. Football is a tribal game. A fan-base has a common enemy, common identity (team colors, mascot etc.) and common goals, to win! When we create tribes in this way, it unleashes a powerful group dynamic and we feel the power when we enter our tribal stadium.

Americans are a consumeristic people. This one is true, but has less positive attributes. Did you know that if the rest of the world consumed products at the same rate as Americans do, we would need 6 additional planets to produce all the goods that would be consumed. We buy into Madison Avenues branding and sell job convincing us of all the things we need to purchase. They  brilliantly tie their marketing into our tribalism, and the net result is a nation addicted to consuming. When you have bought in and invested in your tribe, your commitment level naturally increases with your financial buy-in.

We are competitive by nature. Football also unleashes the competitive gene within us. When our tribes enter the stadium, our adrenalin and endorphins go nuts, much like group blood lust in days gone by. While we have evolved somewhat, the drive to win, beat, destroy and demolish is always within us, and football creates the tribal, consumer and competitive trinity of identity that fills stadiums across the country. The competitive nature within is very powerful, never underestimate it. Many people live vicariously through their team,or favorite player to such a degree that each win, loss, hit, fumble or spectacular catch becomes theirs as well!

I’m sure there is a great study out there somewhere on the power of team sports, but in light of our fresh season of football, I think we can acknowledge that we enjoy it and  it’s time to start rooting for our particular tribe.

My greater hope tis that our faith would move beyond the football stadium and go beyond the commitment and intensity we see there. Maybe there is something here the church needs to learn eh? Or perhaps that is my consumeristic grid speaking!

Here are some great quotes about football to help you get a first down this week!

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Football is like life – it requires perseverance, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication and respect for authority.   ~Vince Lombardi 

Sectional football games have the glory and the despair of war, and when a Texas team takes the field against a foreign state, it is an army with banners.   ~John Steinbeck 

Pro football gave me a good sense of perspective to enter politics: I’d already been booed, cheered, cut, sold, traded and hung in effigy.   ~Jack Kemp

When I was playing for tips in college, I felt a fire in my soul. I had the same principle of focus that I had learned playing football.   ~Kenny Chesney 

Our goal was to win, to win a Super Bowl, but also to win in the right way, to be role models to our community, to represent Indianapolis, the state of Indiana and the National Football League.   ~Tony Dungy

“An atheist is a man who watches a Notre Dame – Southern Methodist University game and doesn’t care who wins.” ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.  ~Vince Lombardi

Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.  ~John Heisman

Football is mesmerizing, because it’s a figurative war. You go in one direction till you get there, but you get there as a team, not as an individual. Players bond whether they’re black or white, much as soldiers do.  ~Oliver Stone

Every time a football player goes to ply his trade he’s got to play from the ground up — from the soles of his feet right up to his head. Every inch of him has to play. Some guys play with their heads. That’s OK You’ve got to be smart to be number one in any business. But more importantly, you’ve got to play with your heart, with every fiber of your body. If you’re lucky enough to find a guy with a lot of head and a lot of heart, he’s never going to come off the field second.
~Vince Lombardi

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare.  They are consumed in twelve minutes.  Half-times take twelve minutes.  This is not coincidence.  ~Erma Bombeck

Football is not a contact sport.  It’s a collision sport.  Dancing is a good example of a contact sport.  ~Duffy Daugherty