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Empty Nest Tools: Marriage Matters #7

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I have noticed an alarming trend in marriage. Couples that have been married for 18 – 20+ years deciding to go their separate ways. We all grew up hearing about the seven-year-itch, but it seems even stranger that a couple would end a marriage after investing that many years into raising their family.

Every couple has the hope and desire for a lasting marriage when they exchange vows. In that moment, no one thinks, “Well, this isn’t going to last.” Rather, the couple begins to dream, plan and build a family life together. When they hold their first child in their arms, rarely is there a thought that this family will not make it.They are ready to sacrifice and work hard to protect what they have.

Raising children is a lot of work…A LOT of work.

Being a parent is a life of sacrifice…(think about all those recitals, soccer games, homework, social events, late nights, doctor visits and financial costs)

Being a parent is a life of frustration…(attitudes, disrespect, lack of problem solving skills, inability to communicate, sibling rivalry, more to-dos than time to do them,)

Being a parent is a life of worry…(from the friends they hang out with to peer pressure, bullying and your stress when they begin driving a car!)

As a parent, it is not until your kids leave the house that you realize how much of the last 18-20+ years have actually been all about raising your kids.

And then…

The house is empty…

You and your spouse look at each other in the stillness of the moment…

No shoes to pick up…

No dishes to gather from every conceivable corner of the house…

No clutter that magically appears right after a room has been cleaned…

No urgent crisis phone call demanding you drop everything to fix their dilemma…

No…it’s just the two of you. The joint adventure of raising a family has left you tired, different, uncertain and curious.

Do you know the person you married anymore?

Has your life become so enmeshed with your kids that you lost the soul-connection with your spouse that started this whole adventure?

Do you even like each other anymore?

Unless you approach your parenting with a long-term plan for your marriage, you might enter the empty nest years thinking that raising kids was a death-sentence on your relationship. Unfortunately, this is what I see happening in so many marriages today. No plan to stay connected and in love during the years of raising kids, and as soon as the kids get to the age where they can take care of themselves, couples are looking for greener marital pastures.

As I have just entered into those empty-nest years with my wife Amy, I am actually excited about what the future holds (I hope Amy is too!) I love my kids and I am proud of who they have become and the journey that they are currently on…but I also love their mom. She has been my best friend for the past 33 years. We are both different now. We both know each other at a far deeper level. We both bear the scars of raising kids in a very challenging age. Yet we both still like hanging out with each other.

Here are a few of my thoughts that can help you transition into the “Empty Nest” years with your marriage intact:

1. Pray Daily For Your Spouse:

I am putting what I believe to be the most important practice to keep your marriage strong at the top. Find time every day to stop and pray for your spouse. If you are mad or angry, praying will begin to break the foothold that bitterness and unforgiveness establishes. Praying helps you move more quickly to a place of forgiveness and reconciliation. Prayer realigns your heart with God so that He is able to reveal things that need to be repented of, or made amends for. Your marriage has many enemies today. To purposefully and consistently pray for your mate is the way to fight for your marriage. I’d recommend three times during the day where you do this: In the morning before the day begins; Lunch time and then before you go to sleep. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. A simple word to God to protect, watch over and keep your hearts knit together is a great place to start. From their, your prayers will expand. If your kids are still young this practice will pave the way for a strong marriage in the empty nest years.

2. Words of Affirmation:

Never stop being the primary encourager and fan of your spouse. If you aren’t, someone else will, and that is where the enemy can gain traction. Every single person that breathes needs to hear things like:

  • I am so proud of you.
  • I love who you are.
  • You are so good at _____________
  • You look hot;awesome;gorgeous;stunning;sexy;handsome;beautiful;_____________
  • I love the way you ________________
  • I know you’ll do a great job at that!
  • I just like being around you.

This list can go on and on but I think you get the point. We are all affirmation-starved people in a world that affirms very little. Each day we are bombarded with 1000’s of messages that say:

  • You are not good enough.
  • You are not pretty enough.
  • You are too fat.
  • You are too thin.
  • You’ll never amount to anything.

Be your spouses best cheerleader and you will move into the empty nest years will anticipation and not dread.

3. Surprise Your Mate:

When you have been raising kids for many years you know that  establishing a routine is crucial to survival. That same routine that helped you survive can also eliminate the spontaneous “spark” that your love-life needs. When was the last time you surprised your spouse with something? When you surprise your mate, they are generally more impressed with the amount of time, energy and thought you invested in them than they are the gift! They feel cared for, loved, appreciated, valued. It doesn’t need to be much, it could be something like:

  • A book you know he/she wants to read.
  • Dinner out, baby-sitter booked, restaurant reserved.
  • A weekend away.
  • A Stay-cation in your house that you cleaned.
  • The dishes, laundry, lawn, project is completed.
  • Book a hotel for your spouse to have a “solitude” break for a night.

4. Never Stop Dating:

This is an important rhythm to establish when your kids are little. If you keep dating in the early years, you will have a great connection in the empty-nest transition. If you are approaching the empty-nest years and haven’t been dating, then it’s time to start! Select a consistent time that works with your schedules and make sure that NOTHING gets in the way of that time. If you have hit the empty-nest years and you haven’t been dating, this can be an awkward reintegration but a fun one!

Start dating as if you have never been out before. Don’t talk about the bills, ask questions about the hopes and dreams that your mate has. Re-meet your spouse. Be attentive. Be romantic.

We tend to take each other for granted when we have been married for 20+ years. While we think we know everything about each other, we really don’t, and the years of raising kids has changed us.

We are different now.

We are trying to figure out who we are, what has changed, and what we have lost as well as what we have gained. So, there is so much to learn about your mate, so go and learn it on a date!

5. Learn his/her Love Language:

If you have not read the best-selling book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, then now is the time to read it. This book, while very simple, has helped thousands upon thousands of couples figure out why they were not really meeting each others needs. When you discover your spouses love language, it becomes a blue print for relationship success (if you actually do what is revealed).  So grab a copy of the book, and use it on your next date night to discover how God wired you and your spouse to receive love. You won’t regret it.

6. Serve Together:

Our church has many opportunities for Amy  and me to serve a greater purpose together. We have helped build teams in Russia, served in Mexico, and more locally, served the poor and marginalized in Seattle through our Urban Mission Team.  When you do something together that serves a greater purpose, you are creating a divine connection with God and your spouse. Perhaps you could volunteer at your local food bank, or tutor at the elementary school your kids used to go to. On your next date, throw some ideas around about what you could do together.

7. Self Differentiate:

The empty nest is also a time for you to rediscover some of those passions that were benched while you helped your children discover theirs. As you get to know yourself better, and become increasingly aware of who you are (and who you are not) give yourself permission to be you…

As you are…

Not what others what or need of you or think you should be…

Who is it that God created you to be that was swallowed up over the past 20 years?

Rediscover that person and give yourself permission to explore.

As you rediscover who God made you to be, share that with your spouse, you will both grow closer  together as you become known.

May your next adventure in the empty-nest be your best!

 

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Finding Success With What You Have

The-Beggar-King-and-the-Secret-of-Happiness-Ben-Izzy-Joel-9781565125124I just finished an incredible book about story called “The Beggar King and the Secret of Happiness” by Joel ben Izzy. Joel, a master storyteller, tells his story as it dances around other stories real and spiritual. While I highly recommend this book to everyone to read, there was one story within the story that I am still chewing on. On pages 186-188, Joel retells a true story about Itzhak Perlman that had appeared in the Houston Chronicle in an article written by Jack Riemer. Here is the column:

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On Nov. 18th, 1995, Itzhak Perlman, the violinist, came onstage for a concert at Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center in New York City. If you have ever been to a Perlman concert, you know that getting onstage is no small achievement for him. He was stricken with polio as a young child and so he has braces on both legs and walks with the aid of two crutches.

To see him walk across the stage one step at a time, very deliberately, and slowly, is an event. He walks painfully, yet majestically, until he reaches his chair. Then he sits down, slowly, puts his crutches on the floor, undoes the clasps on his legs, tucks one foot back and extends the other foot forward. Then he bends down and picks up the violin, puts it under his chin, nods to the conductor and proceeds to play.

By now, the audience is used to the ritual. They sit quietly while he makes his way across the stage to his chair, they remain reverently silent while he undoes his clasps on his legs. They wait until he is ready to play.

But this time, something went wrong. Just as he finished the first few bars, one of the strings on his violin broke. You could hear it snap-it went off like gunfire across the room.

There was no mistaking what that sound meant. There was no mistaking what he had to do. People who were there that night thought to themselves: “We figured that he would have to get up, put on the clasps again, pick up the crutches and amble his way offstage-to either find another violin or else find another string for this one.”

But hie didn’t. Instead, he waited a moment, closed his eyes and then signaled the conductor to begin again. The orchestra began, and he played from where he had left off. And he played with such passion and such power and such purity as they had never heard before. Of course anyone knows that it is impossible to play a symphonic work with just three strings. I know that, and you know that, but that night Itzhak Perlman refused to know that. You could see him modulating, changing, recomposing the piece in his head. At one point, it sounded like he was de-tuning the strings to get new sounds from them that they had never made before.

When he finished, there was an awesome silence in the room. And then people rose and cheered. There was an extraordinary outburst of applause from ever corner of the auditorium. We were al on our feet, screaming and  cheering, doing everything we could to show how much we appreciated what he had done.

He smiled, wiped the sweat from his brow, raised his bow to quiet us, and then he said, not boastfully, but in a quiet, pensive, reverent tone, “You know, sometimes it is the artist’s task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left…”

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ponder that one for a while…commentary is not necessary, simply make some music with what you have left and you will find success.

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He Who Laughs…

Laughter can lift the crushed soul and help dissipate the darkness of sadness. Laughter is a powerful prayer, because it defies the thought that pain and sadness always win. Some of my deepest laughs have found birth in the dark night of the soul, which was both a surprise and a blessing. But for too long, Christianity has been the “laugh-less” religion. Jesus has been seen as a “serious,” deity with furrowed brows etching caverns of displeasure across His face. Or perhaps He has been viewed as a “humorless,” deity that tut-tuts the lighter side of life and has no time for levity. Look at all the early paintings and images of Christ and He does not look like He is enjoying life. Unfortunately, this has seeped into the DNA of a movement and needs to come to light in order to unleash the joy that Jesus died for. But in truth, the converse is reality…Jesus was full of life, love, levity and laughter.

Can you imagine the creative agency that fashioned the earth and imagined the platypus never cracked a smile?

Can you imagine that Jesus’ cultural tattoo of “a friend of sinners and a glutton” could have been earned by someone who did not engage in the fun of the people he was branded with?

Can you sense the hilarity behind the translation when Jesus said, “Hey before you judge other people, consider their sin as a sliver you are trying to remove while at the same time admitting the sin in your own life is like a log in your eye!”

It has been stated many times that Jesus’ humor gets lost in translation, and this is true. The Hebraisms and the out right funny sayings of Jesus lose their edge when we translate from Aramaic, Greek and Hebrew to English. I am thankful for translators that unearth His linguistically sharp humor, and allow Jesus to show some of His hilarity.

In Genesis, when Abraham and Sarah find out that they are going to have a baby in their advanced years, Sarah laughs…and then the baby is named Isaac which means “he laughs.”

Have you ever noticed that when you smile, you have a bio-chemical reaction that changes the way you feel? Try it right now, no one is looking…take a full, deep breath and smile from your liver to the creases in your eyes.

We need to laugh more…

We need to smile from our soul…

We need to breathe in the pleasure, beauty and grace of God while we exhale anything that robs us of the joy and freedom Christ offers.

Here are some great quotes I have on laughing, or laughter…read them, smile and find something to laugh at, you’ll live longer and find more beauty in the midst of a biting reality.

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“Laughter is America’s most important export.”  ~ Walt Disney Company

“If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.”  ~Robert Frost

“I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t laugh.”  ~Maya Angelou

“The earth laughs in flowers.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”  ~ Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

“The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.”  ~ Mark Twain

“If you wish to glimpse inside a human soul and get to know a man, don’t bother analyzing his ways of being silent, of talking, of weeping, of seeing how much he is moved by noble ideas; you will get better results if you just watch him laugh. If he laughs well, he’s a good man.”  ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

“Laughter is carbonated holiness.”  ~ Anne Lamott

“A strange thing happened to me in my dream. I was rapt into the Seventh Heaven. There sat all the gods assembled. As a special dispensation I was granted the favor to have one wish. “Do you wish for youth,” said Mercury, “or for beauty, or power, or a long life; or do you wish for the most beautiful woman, or any other of the many fine things we have in our treasure trove? Choose, but only one thing!” For a moment I was at a loss. Then I addressed the gods in this wise: “Most honorable contemporaries, I choose one thing — that I may always have the laughs on my side.” Not one god made answer, but all began to laugh. From this I concluded that my wish had been granted and thought that the gods knew how to express themselves with good taste: for it would surely have been inappropriate to answer gravely: your wish has been granted.”  ~Søren Kierkegaard

“As soap is to the body, so laughter is to the soul.”  ~ Jewish Proverb

“He that is of a merry heart has a continual feast.” ~ Proverbs 15:15

“Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.”  ~ Victor Hugo

“Laughter is the foundation of reconciliation.” ~ St. Francis de Sales

“Laughter connects you with people. It’s almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of social hierarchy when you’re just howling with laughter. Laughter is a force for democracy.” ~ John Cleese

“On average, an infant laughs nearly two hundred times a day; an adult, only twelve. Maybe they are laughing so much because they are looking at us. To be able to preserve joyousness of heart and yet to be concerned in thought: in this way we can determine good fortune and misfortune on earth, and bring to perfection everything on earth.” ~ I Ching

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.”  ~Robert Fulghum

“Laughter is an instant vacation.”  ~Milton Berle

“Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.”  ~Bob Newhart

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Laughter has health benefits too, for example: (from help-guide)

  • Laughter relaxes the whole body. A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after.
  • Laughter boosts the immune system. Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease.
  • Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain.
  • Laughter protects the heart. Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems.
  • Laughter dissolves distressing emotions. You can’t feel anxious, angry, or sad when you’re laughing.
  • Laughter helps you relax and recharge. It reduces stress and increases energy, enabling you to stay focused and accomplish more.
  • Humor shifts perspective, allowing you to see situations in a more realistic, less threatening light. A humorous perspective creates psychological distance, which can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed.

Authors Melinda Smith M.A and Jeanne Segal Ph.D note the following tips to help bring more laughter to your daily life:

  • Smile. Smiling is the beginning of laughter. Like laughter, it’s contagious. Pioneers in “laugh therapy,” find it’s possible to laugh without even experiencing a funny event. The same holds for smiling. When you look at someone or see something even mildly pleasing, practice smiling.
  • Count your blessings. Literally make a list. The simple act of considering the good things in your life will distance you from negative thoughts that are a barrier to humor and laughter. When you’re in a state of sadness, you have further to travel to get to humor and laughter.
  • When you hear laughter, move toward it. Sometimes humor and laughter are private, a shared joke among a small group, but usually not. More often, people are very happy to share something funny because it gives them an opportunity to laugh again and feed off the humor you find in it. When you hear laughter, seek it out and ask, “What’s funny?”
  • Spend time with fun, playful people. These are people who laugh easily–both at themselves and at life’s absurdities–and who routinely find the humor in everyday events. Their playful point of view and laughter are contagious.
  • Bring humor into conversations. Ask people, “What’s the funniest thing that happened to you today? This week? In your life?”

So, laugh until your belly hurts and then just a little bit more!

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Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness

As the smell of sulphur fills the neighborhood air and plans to celebrate with friends solidify, we are reminded that freedom matters. There is no other worldview besides a Judeo-Christian worldview, that could frame the beliefs in our Declaration of Independence. The opening words alone allude to a life that has purpose, meaning and morality…if there is no God, and we are a mere cosmic-accident, then “survival of the fittest” is the highest virtue, and our Declaration of Independence would read very differently:

IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

We are far from a perfect nation…we often fail to live up to the vision…but that doesn’t diminish its truth or power.

This Fourth of July, as you celebrate with your friends, remember that our desire for freedom and equality comes from and reminds us that there is a God who is always at work…Here’s a great video to frame your celebration!