6 Killer Marriage Tips (Marriage Matters #3)
I thought I’d throw a little marriage humor your way today. Here are 6 marriage tips that need some adjusting!
Killer Marriage Tips from Igniter Media on Vimeo.
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Making Your Marriage L.A.S.T (Marriage Matters #2)
It seems that the longevity of marriage is becoming a blur on the relationship highway. My wife and I celebrated 25 years this past July and we have received many “way-to-go!” comments and questions about what does it take to last. I feel like 25 years has shown me that we need to continue to be proactive in investing in each other so that we finish well.
The prophets of our culture in Hollywood have not helped much in the area of longevity. The relationships of the celebrity world are notoriously short, take for example the 10 million dollar Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries marriage that lasted a scant 72 days. What’s frustrating about this dilemma is that media has so saturated our existence that celebrity relationships are the ones we see and hear about all the time. The message that flows to us and the next generation is that marriages are disposable, and you can always find a way out.
Here are four things for you to consider that will help your marriage L.A.S.T
Listen…
Most people are horrible listeners. We tend to listen with about 25% of our available ability because we need the other 75% to formulate our own point or response. Here’s one we’ve all heard before, “Well I’m sorry for continuing to interrupt you but I’m afraid I’ll forget what I was going to say! But really I’m listening!” No only do we not listen, but we are actually interrupting the other person from communicating. Maybe forgetting what you were going to say may be the best thing that can happen. When we choose to listen, we are giving our spouse a great grace-gift.
So the next time your spouse is talking, instead of figuring out how to tell her she is wrong, or that you have a better idea, or that she doesn’t understand, or you have just unloaded all your advice… pause…put down the remote….release your agenda…and simply listen. One of the reasons listening is a bit harder for men (although women struggle with listening as well) is because it seems that we have been wired with a “fix-it” mentality. So in some ways men think they are helping because they want to get to the fix, but very often our spouse simply wants us to listen.
I like one of Anne Lamotts’ acronyms she employs when things are getting overly wound up, she says, “W.A.I.T.” Translated as “Why Am I Talking!” Sometimes the best way to love on the ones we love is to stop talking, and when we are talking we should ask ourselves why am I talking!
When you really listen you will finally begin to hear more than words. You will sense emotion, color, hope, sadness and so many more nuances. Listening well will change the way you respond, perhaps instead of words it will be touch, or a deeper sigh that communicates that you get it, you understand, and you empathize.
Accept..
Most couples don’t begin their marriage thinking to themselves, “Hmm…how am I going to change that trait about my spouse!” But somewhere along the line, our habits and behaviors begin to rub each other the wrong way.If you want to make your marriage last, you need to stop trying to change your spouse. First of all you need to know that you can’t change your spouse. You can make sure your wants and needs are known, but if you take on the role of change-agent you are heading for some pretty rough waters.
There are so many differences between men and women. Personally I believe our wiring differences are part of the divine design to keep us engaged in relational growth. I love this anonymous quote:
“To dream the person you would like your partner to be is to waste the person your partner is.”
As time continues we often forget those incredible qualities and traits that drew us to our spouse in the first place. The little irritations build up as we are trying to create a spouse in our own image. A good homework assignment for you this week is to sit down, and write out a list of the traits, qualities, and expressions that you spouse has and does. After you have the list share it with your husband/wife and choose to release your need to change and control. Remember you can’t anyway and if you continue to try, you will be damaging the love you have.
Seduce…
Ah, that got your attention eh! Intimacy, physical touch, romantic and non-romantic. From simply holding hands to a knowing pat on the behind speaks a language of its own. Maybe you have lost some of the fire over the years…Maybe you have told yourself that you’re “just not the touch-type.” Regardless of the why, a relationship that doesn’t have a high level of touch will suffer. There are so many things you can begin doing to build a deeper level of intimacy:
- Proactively schedule a regular date night. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but it does need to be consistent. Make a deal that on your date you will listen to each other, not talk about the job, kids, bills or whatever subject keeps you both too cerebral and at arm’s length.
- Plan your romance. If you have kids, the days of spontaneous romance or sex are probably on hold as your life has become overwhelmed with all of the other “to-do’s” that come with raising a family. That is why you need to think ahead and plan out times for intimacy. If you don’t plan for it, it probably won’t happen.
- Hold hands. Talk a walk together and hold hands. Remember the electrical charge you used to get when you were dating simply by touch the skin of your partner’s hand. Recapture that as you interlock your fingers and stroll.
- Kiss. Often and for more than a half a second 🙂
- Rub your spouses neck, back, feet or shoulders without being asked. That will be a win!
- Send a romantic text to your spouse throughout the day.
- Leave a posti-note on your spouses dashboard letting them know that you’re thinking about them.
- Hug and hold each other…just because.
The list could go on and on. In fact, why don’t you leave some ideas in the comments section.
Research consistently shows that touching more creates a stronger bond by releasing oxytocin, and that will also help you build a marriage that lasts.
Thank…
I knew a principal whose motto at the Elementary school was “Catch em’ being good!” He knew that its positive reinforcement that makes a bigger impact on people than negative reinforcement. Developing an attitude of gratitude will improve your health and invigorate your life. Building the habit of thankfulness towards your spouse will rocket your relationship to the moon.
When your spouse does something good or helpful let them know how thankful you are, even if you think they should be doing it anyway! It’s hard enough working for an employer that doesn’t give you encouragement and thanks, so, if we don’t find it at home our souls take a hit, and often we try to find it in the wrong places.
When you take a moment to slow down and think about the things that you are thankful for concerning your spouse, you will have taken a big step in building a marriage that lasts. So stop nagging on each other and start bragging on each other and see what happens.
Let an attitude of thankfulness fill you and flow out of you and you will notice that all your relationships will improve.
~Monty
Marriage Matters #1
Recently my wife Amy and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. When the big day was arriving we were working with a missionary team in St. Petersburg Russia, and then stopped off in Paris on the way home to mark the anniversary in grand style. (By the way,to the men out there, this is a sure-fire way to make up some well-needed points on the marriage score-sheet!)
Truly, I am so thankful for Amy. She has been an incredible wife, mother, partner and friend on this journey and I can’t imagine who I would be today without her in my life. In Paris we had many opportunities to look back over the years and remember all the events, milestones, hard times and mountaintops that we have experienced together. When we arrived back home, I was met with some news of some other couples that were not celebrating, but were separating, and what had started out as a hopeful future for them was turning into a really dark chapter that was ending in ash.
Marriage is crucial on so many fronts, especially if you are in leadership. Your marriage is a reflection about what you believe to be true about God. It is a reflection about the values you hold. When people look at our marriages they learn a lot about us don’t they?
* How we treat the people we love
* Whether or not we elevate the ones we love
* Can we be trusted to hold shattered emotions
* Whether you are a person worthy to follow or one to avoid
* Will you protect and fight for the ones you love
Yes, our relationships are a big revelation one way or the other about who we are in the core of our soul. If you long to have a marriage that does more than simply exist you must get the magic ingredient of effort and use it liberally because great marriages don’t just happen, they are co-created.Here are four more positive ingredients for you to consider in co-creating a marriage that lasts.
1. Time. In my book Sacred Space I make the following observation:
“Go online or browse any bookstore today and you will find that there are numerous books and articles encouraging couples to spend more time talking intimately with each other. I recently read one article that stated that a marriage could drastically improve if the couple agreed to soend te minutes a day in conversation. I thought, wow, only ten minutes! We are in worse shape than I imagined.”
Time together is crucial for a healthy marriage. There are so many demands upon our time today that it has become easier to give up on co-creating a great marriage, and instead acquiesce to the tyranny of the urget. We put the kids, work, reality TV and even Facebook ahead of marriage and then when things go south we wonder why. As a non-scientific experience this week take note of how much time you spend online and infront of the TVand then weigh that against how much direct one on one time you are investing in your spouse.
Making a priority of investing time into your marriage will pay huge dividends from your spouse feeling like they are the most important thing in your life to actually reigniting the connection that might be laying dormant.
If you have been good at regularly scheduling date nights, long walks, and time to enjoy each others presence, keep on doing it!
2. Study. In todays culture we hear the term “life-long-learner” a lot. A life-long-learner is someone who is committed to expanding their knowledge, understanding and experience through educational and experiential pursuits.
If you would like to co-create an incredible marriage you need to become a life-long-learner or a student of your spouse. Your wedding day did not end your need to understand who your spouse is, in fact your wedding day is actually entrance into the first semester of a sacred life-long-learning adventure.
Obviously this will take a commitment to the first ingredient of time, but here are some other ideas for you:
- Keep asking questions. Ask questions about dreams, hopes, likes and dislikes. Ask questions about struggles and pleasures Ask question that go deeper than, “What’s for dinner?” Ask how he/she would rate your marriage on a scale from 1-10. If it’s not a 10 ask what it would take to get there, then do it! Become observant of habits, desires, disappointments and learn their love language, or what makes them feel most loved. This exercise alone will expand your connection and you will soon realize that you don’t know each other as well as you thought , and that’s a good thing! If you knew it all you’d have no more questions or curiosity.
. - Get a book. There are literally thousands of great books to help you grow in your marriage. Get one and read a chapter a week, and then discuss what you read on a date. Grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and share what you learned and ask each other the questions it raised for you. Here are just a few of my favorite books on marriage:
The Five Love Languages
The Four Seasons of Marriage
Sacred Marriage
I Don’t Want A Divorce
Love and Respect
His Needs Her Needs
Covenant Marriage
Boundaries in Marriage
The DNA of Relationships
- Take A Marriage Seminar.
- Join a marriage small group.
There are so many more ideas I’d love to put down, but I think you get my point…make it your gaol to have the best possible marriage and then study to get there..
3. Safeguards. What are you doing to fight for and protect your marriage? There are forces out there that are doing everything they can to drive a wedge in the sanctity of marriage and most people are oblivious it would seem. There are choices, decision and boundary issues that you need to determine in order to safeguard the most important human relationship you have.
- Pray daily for your spouse and for your marriage intimacy.
- Avoid compromising situations with someone of the other sex.
- Choose not to flirt with co-workers or other people of the opposite sex.
Ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse exhibited the same behaviors towards others that you do. Some other revealing questions to ask yourself might be:
- Do I find myself texting or emailing someone of the opposite sex more than I do my spouse, why?
- Do I find myself thinking about someone other than my spouse a lot?
- Do I send mixed messages in the way I interact with people of the opposite sex?
If you have fallen into some of the marriage killing traps there is still good news! You can choose to establish safeguards and change the way you interact. This will create a sense of security and safety in your marriage and eliminate many of the potential land mines out there.
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4. Support. I believe that your primary responsibility as a married person is to make sure that your spouse becomes the man or woman that God created them to be. This will take Time, Study, and Safeguarding. It also means that you have to become the champion of your spouse.
So instead of nagging your spouse or nagging about them you choose to brag on your spouse and about them. Wives, one of the most life-giving things you can do to build up and support your husband is to say good, nice and positive things about them in front of others! It’s like an adrenalin shot to a mans soul. And men, the same go for your wives. No more sarcastic jokes about cooking, driving or any of the other stereotypical putdowns that get a little laugh yet wound a soul.
Notice and comment on your spouses accomplishments, qualities, successes, and reaffirm over and over again your love and commitment. Not only will you be co-creating an incredible love story, you will be warding off the attacks that could lead to adultery and divorce.
While there is so much more to say, I’ll end here for now as this is only Marriage Matters #1, look for Marriage Matters #2 soon!
Grace and Peace,
Monty
7 Father’s Day Ideas
Ah Father’s Day. It’s the day that Home Depot executives smile and the BBQ industry dances a little jig. On Mother’s Day the restaurants are over-booked for that special brunch, but Father’s day…argh…it’s about dad’s BBQ genius demonstrating why God chose him to be a man and that there is no better!
I still have countless Father’s Day artifacts from both Emma and Liam at various stages of life. A construction paper tie; a box to hold manly stuff-and-things; pictures drawn with love and garnished with various colored food items from the fridge. Mostly, I have memories that I don’t ever want to lose. It is amazing how little our kids remember about their growing up years. Events and trips that are forever embedded in my heart and mind retrieve a complete “huh” from my kids when I ask them if they remember.
So I think that the best way to celebrate Father’s Day this year is to consider some things that you won’t find at Home Depot or the Nordstrom Rack. Here are seven powerful suggestions for a Father’s Day that might surprise you, but as a dad, I think they have some real potential.
1. Retell a Favorite Story:
Take a moment and think back…Do you remember that special trip, or school event or perhaps it was a baseball game that your dad was at and it meant the world to you. Write a one page letter retelling the story and let your dad know that he truly made that day special for you and that you will always remember it. Be detail oriented, fill in the memories!
2. The Gift of You:
You have probably figured out by now that the older you get the faster time dissipates. One of the best gifts you can give your dad is the gift of your presence. The gift of your presence is spelled T-I-M-E, hang out together. Write up a little card that is redeemable for some time to do whatever, fish, hang, go to a movie. Your dad knows that your life is busy, but he would love to have some time to simply be with you.
3. Advice List:
Men are wired as fix-it pros. We morph and come alive when we can help, make a difference or fix something. Most dad’s dread the day when they are no longer needed. For a dad, fixing your stuff and/or your problems is energizing, However, as you got older and smarter, you needed dad’s fix-it help less. This Father’s Day prepare a list of questions asking for his advice on various things from relationships to clogged sinks!
4. Your Dreams:
As a dad, I want to know what stirs my kids’ soul. What do they dream about? What are they most passionate about? How would they like to be a Planet Changer? Where does their mind go when they have time to think? So give your dad a visionary list of the deep desires God has infused into your soul. Share the whys and the whats about your passions and let him explore the possibilities with you.
5. His Dreams:
Have you ever taken the time to ask your dad about his dreams, his passions, his goals? We so often forget that our parents are people too! And that just like us, they too have God infused dreams in their soul. Ask about the dreams that have happened. Ask about the dreams that didn’t. Ask about the dreams that were sacrificed so that you could have the life that you have. Parents have sacrificed much that goes unnoticed by their children, and the sacrifice was generally made for them. This conversation will give you a whole new perspective on who your dad is, and it will affect the way you invest in your future.
6. A Repeater:
How about giving your dad a gift that keeps on giving! A once a month hike…a weekly coffee meet-up…a mile or more walk every week…read the same book and get together to discuss it…a monthly movie date…it could be anything, just make it consistent!
7. Amnesty
Ok, let’s admit it, all dad’s blow it. All dad’s make mistakes. All dad’s need forgiveness. This gift of forgiveness might be the best offering that will bless both you and your dad this year. To forgive someone doesn’t mean that you are forgetting the past or denying a wrong-doing. It doesn’t mean that you are waiting for an apology or neglecting or approving of a sin… rather you are choosing to free yourself from a self-imposed prison of hate or anger that seeks revenge. The benefits of forgiving others is worthy of an entire post! We long for our dad’s to be perfect, and when they aren’t it can be crushing. Our ideals are altered and our reality takes a hit. This Father’s Day choose to look at your dad as a broken human just like you…a man who is imperfect, just like you…a person in need of grace just like you…Let this be the year that you choose to forgive and begin building a relationship that fills your soul.
Happy Father’s Day!
Monty